My first thought was to find someone, or something to help, but I the figured that was not the brightest thing I could do. As I paced, figuring out how to help, I heard a faint whisper coming from her direction. After crouching next to her, and listening intently to her raspy, almost silent voice I learned she was caught in a fishing net and was dropped in the ocean. For her to survive, she would need to be taken to a fresh body of water, not the salty ocean. I poured my bottled water all over her, hoping to protect her a little longer, and ran to retrieve my truck and help this elegant creature.
After loading her in to my truck, and splashing her with a bucket of water from the out side faucet, I rushed down the highway towards the nearest, cleanest lake. Not worried about cops or anything else that could slow me down, I did my best to get this wonderful thing to a safe haven in time. Mostly following my instinct and acting on pure adrenaline, I zoomed down back roads looking for a perfect location. Speeding down a long dirt road, I saw it in the distance, a small paradise for this wonderful lady. I made my way over to the side of the road, quickly pulled her out and towards the water. What a difference this new place made. She was rejuvenated and rejoiced, and seemed to love life all over again. As she frolicked around the large pond, I thought to my self, how artistic and majestic she looked and how I’ve never seen a more amazing sight in my life.
Now I’ve never seen or heard anything of this creature since that day, or any thing similar, but I like to think she’s found her way to a nicer location and is living a wonderful and graceful life in peace with other creatures of her kind that share the same beauty.
Did this really happen or did you make it up? Either way it was a really good story, and I enjoyed reading it. What you could've done to make this story better was add more details. You could of talked in details about the appearance of the mermaid and maybe the surrounding too to give the readers a more visualize image of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteThat was a really good story! However, as I was reading your story, I could only imagine it as a fairy tale. I think the details that you used really portrayed a wonderful picture, but they were not personal enough I don't think. Maybe add how she felt in your arms or something like that. Although I am inclined to make this story out as a myth, it was fairly believable! Your syntax was very good, it really flowed as a cohesive story! I really enjoyed reading it!
ReplyDeleteGreat story, but some things I could pick out were similar to fairy tales like Holland was saying. Place some more detail about this mermaid, and also paint the picture a bit more vividly. Other than that, the story was fantastic.
ReplyDeleteYour story is very good . I liked your word choice, it made the story very visually appealing for the audience. I found it a little hard to believe and didn't see how a good argument could have been made, though if you maybe added some detail about other occurrences of mermaids then that could help. You also have a few grammatical errors but overall it's a really good story.
ReplyDeleteRobert, you are quite the author. This story actually made me laugh out loud a couple of times! It is very well written and easy to follow. I could picture it play by play in my mind as I read along. I will say at points I felt like it could have been a little bit more formal. At points your grammer was a teensy bit off and there were a few run on sentences. BUT overall, fabulous story.
ReplyDeleteYou used great vocabulary throughout your whole essay, which was a great use of pathos. This descriptive language clearly depicted what you saw and made the reader feel sorry for the mermaid. Additionally, you appealed to the readers well using ethos because you proved that you were a kind, trustworthy person who wanted to help this mermaid. I thought that your descriptive language was one of the strong-points that made this believable. You also presented the fact that you had no idea why she was here, which used the logical appeal, logos. I think that you did a great job incorporating all of the Aristotle’s Appeals into your essay.
ReplyDeleteYour story really grabbed my attention when you said you saw a lady by the shore. I thought this was going to be a scary and creepy story, but turns out to be this happy story with a happy ending. Your selection of vocabulary is great. I liked how your story puts an image in the mind. Although I don't believe in mermaids, I thought it was a good story overall. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI like your story and the Vocabulary you used the whole time. It all flowed together really well and put great images of a mermaid in my head. I did get a little confused in the second paragraph when you heard the whisper, but other than that the rest was fine. From the beginning to the end of the story I could tell how bad in your writing you wanted to help the mermaid out and you proved that to readers. The word choice was strong in the story and convinced readers what had happened was real.
ReplyDeleteGood story, with a nice resolution. I believe this appeals to the readers pathos because of the fuzzy feeling reading this gives you when the mermaid is back in her home. "Coworker" brings to mind the stories we read in class though, and "Strange and Unusual" is not a detailed enough title!
ReplyDeleteYour whole story flowed perfectly. I applaud you for also writing a story about a mermaid for many of us probably think of our childhood movies or swimming days when this mystical creature is mentioned. I noticed that right at the beginning you mention that this enchanted creature is a mermaid and I would recommend trying to keep the whole mermaid character as a secret and not mentioning the identity or label of this creature at the beginning. Keeping the reader guessing, of if it is a mermaid or not may take away the fairy tale component that others mentioned earlier. Overall thought very well written story.
ReplyDeleteI believe that the first sentence hurt your attention grabber a bit, but your story had great flow and the title fit with the story fantastically. I liked the descriptions and how it described the beauty while also leaving some room for imagination. This story is one like "The Little Mermaid" but I seemed to like yours better, very short and sweet.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very entertaining story to read. I agree with most of the other comments that this story could use some more detail, I believe that is will help with your appeal to logos by having a more concrete story. I also think having more detail will help with your appeal to ethos because more detail makes it sound like you were actually there and it really happened.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of description! This story seems it would be in a children's book, rather than being in a journal publication, newspaper, etc. I did like how you would think to yourself, "if you didn't help the mermaid, what would happen to her?" That then evokes the reader into thinking the same thing. That's great use of emotional appeal. I liked how it flowed, making it seem like this is a true story.
ReplyDeleteNIce story, it's very vivid. That topic sentence is of the first paragraph is kinda distracting. It's nice to know that the coworker's story about her strange cousin reminded you of your story, but it just makes me think about what had happened in that story and not focus much on your story. We already know that this had happened to you, since the story is in first person. I would suggest to start out "Many moons ago.." which grabs the reader's attention because no one really says that.
ReplyDeleteThough fascinating as it was, the premise of this tale was really difficult to believe, racing down streets with a mythical creature exposed in the bed of your truck would certainly draw attention. It made it very difficult for me to take the story seriously.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you used great word choices and descriptive information in the story to make it more real, but like others had said, it seems more like a fairy tale to me! I think in order to make it more believable, you need to put some more logos in there so it can appeal logically, and ethically to all the readers. But honestly, your story was great and I enjoyed reading!
ReplyDeleteI think you made it up. Anyhow this story is such an entertaining one. I like your word choices and great details. You are successful while appealing to the audience's emotion. We feel sorry for the mermaid although it's quite unreliable. Overall great job!
ReplyDeleteThis story is interesting I like how much detail you give when describing something and found it to be helpful. This story has an interesting topic and I feel you explained the situation very well.
ReplyDeleteThis story was great!!! Very descriptive, unique and believable!! Your word choice was amazing and i enjoyed every second of it!!
ReplyDeleteI like how you said “many moons ago” because it was a creative way of beginning your story. This makes me believe that you are a nice person from the details you included since you were helping a stranger out. I’m not sure if it’s a true story but I know for sure it’s a good one! It definitely reminded me of the little mermaid, which is one of my favorite Disney movies. Nice job writing this.
ReplyDeleteThis story was ok. I think the way you stared was a little of. It didn't not gab my attention right away. It was a little confusing, but you had a lot of good descriptive writing, and had a lot of imagery. If you started out differently like take out the part where you talk about the co-worker, and be creative about your beginning, and add something about how you one day accoutered an incident that changed your life and from that you can tell your story.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of the story but I was thrown off by the fact that you said she was elegant but she appeared to be ill and frail. This story reminds me of that one Disney movie Thirteenth year. This story seemed more like a dream than an actual occurrence but it was enjoyable to read and kept me interested nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI like that this story is directly recounted from you, the person who experienced it is really does lend to the credibility of the story in general. I like your thought process being apart of the story as well it made me wonder what i would do in that situation. I tides a fine line of fantasy and reality which is not a bad thing it just allows the reader to decide whether they believe it or not.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEven though you were the person to have experienced this encounter, there were some details that seemed a bit off to me specifically the "many moons ago" description of how long ago you came in contact with the frail and helpless mermaid. Another detail that didn't seem accurately described was how you splashed her with a bucket of water which sorta made me picture you throwing the water at her somewhat forcefully before getting into the driver's seat of your truck and speeding off to find a fresh water source. Since the mermaid is injured from lack of water, I would imagine instead you found a gentler way of refreshing her like maybe putting a damp cloth on her head or something. but the thing that really bugged me was how everything just seemed too joyous since you're helping out a strange creature who seems to be on the verge of death and yet everything seems like rainbows and butterflies.
ReplyDeleteGood story but it's not very believable because you are the only person who witnessed this strange occurrence. But because of the Pirates of the Caribbean and the new strange thing of Mermaid that a lot of people would be interested in this story for that exact reason. So good story.
ReplyDeleteAwesome story and great use of imagery. The construction of the story and how it is told makes it a great fairy tale. Although its not that much believable I think adding a little more information at the end about the numerous sightings of actual mermaids would give it more credibility. It still is an awesome story to me.
ReplyDelete