When we made it into the living room, we noticed scratches all around the fireplace. It looked like it could have been bear claws but they still seemed a little small for it to be the plausible cause. So walking on the balls of our feet we moved into what we thought was the master bedroom and found it all put together, but with the bed sheets messy on top as if someone was still sleeping there.
Getting scared, we decided it was better to leave before something or someone came home. Later that night we asked our grandpa who used to live there and when was the last time someone did. He told us about a quiet family who minded there own business but the husband was abusive. Of course back then it was normal for a wife who miss behaved to get smacked, but the wife would almost always have a black eye as if she was in a fight. Then one day the wife and kids moved away in the middle of the night. However the man wasn’t seen or heard from again. That is until his body washed up on the shore of Little Bay de Noc in Escanaba Michigan.
After his body was found, they said cause of death was drowning. Upon further investigation of the house, the police found the table set and one plate had poison in the food. After the investigation was over and ruled the death a murder the house was locked up and left alone to saver the one thing that was good with the house. The lakeside view.
Tim,
ReplyDeleteYour piece was excellent, but left a cliffhanger at the end. I, speaking for some people, would like to see who was the actual culprit in the husband's murder. Other than that, it was an interesting story.
You did a great job of giving background information because we can all relate to walking through an old, abandoned house. You appeal to the readers very logically, using logos, and this makes you a credible, trustworthy source by your description of the house. I thought that your descriptive language also created an emotional appeal, because we could comprehend exactly what was going on. The fact that you describe the police investigation also makes you seem like a credible source because police reports are usually factual. You did a great job of using all of Aristotle’s appeals to your audience.
ReplyDeleteI like your story, Tim. I like the way that you started your story, visiting your grandparents in the summer and then planned out to visit a haunted house,
ReplyDeletethose kind of things are common things that a teenager would do. And those are great because we could all be related to your story. One other thing is that you used good facts, in the story, too, such as a murder investigation from the police, and "Of course back then it was normal for a wife who miss behaved to get smacked" and I think that's true. Those helps strengthen the believability of your story.
Your story left me wondering if the husband was the one who slept on the bed when you guys came inside the house and saw the messy sheets on the bed as if someone still slept there and didn't make their bed. I think it's great when a writer can leave their readers puzzled and confused and asking questions after they're done reading the story. Over all you did a good job!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the same question as Jennifer's. I like the way you put yourself as a real character in this piece, which makes you a credible and trustworthy source. There is a grammar error: ..."minded there own business"... (*their). Anyway good story!
ReplyDeleteGreat story! Your prose is exquisite! I was actually a little creeped out by this story, mailly because the details that you gave made it very easy for me to picture the dilapidated house in my mind. The fact that is was both you and your brother experiencing the odd house made it instatly more credible. Not to mention the fact that there is an actual story behind the house. However, your story leaves a bit to be desired. I would have liked to hear more about the house and why nobody has lived in it since then. That being said, I still thought your story was very well written and a great read! Good job!
ReplyDeleteGood story. I like how you described the way guys entered into the house, especially when you said, "so walking on the balls of our feet we moved into what we thought was the master bedroom”. I could really picture what was going on like you guys were trying to be quiet in that situation, not to be too loud walking on the heels of your feet. I agree that your story left a cliffhanger but it was nicely written.
ReplyDeleteI like the description about the "wildering mailbox" then the statement about the house not looking much better. It added a visual of the condition of the house. Also the description of the fireplace and walking on the balls of your feet. Great descriptions make it more believing that you were there, which boosts ethos. I'm curious who was sleeping there and how the house is still there after + or - 70 years, that's a long time.
ReplyDeleteI really like your introduction it does a really good job of explaining what the house looked like and how beat up it was. That is a pretty freaky story. The scratches on the fire place are what would have freaked me out! The fact that you were able to talk to your grandpa about the previous people who lived there made it seem much more believable!
ReplyDeleteYour story was awesome! I liked how you made sure the audience knew that this house was abandoned, and that no mortal being could have possibly made those marks or been sleeping in that bed. So it makes me wonder, who has been there? The husband? Your ending paragraph was great as well. It ends with "the lakeside view", which then connects to the whole story and title.
ReplyDeleteNice way starting off the story and the information about the old house I could really picture it in my head. I like the way you used your words in the writing it had great detail and flowed nice together, the emotion was there. the story was written nice job.
ReplyDeleteThe description you used along with point of view really made this story come alive and seem almost without a doubt believable, what I mean to say that at the end of it the audience is left with the question "who had sleeping in the bed?" From your knowledgeable background information concerning what happened concerning the last residents of the house, it really strengthens pathos since the resilience of the husband when it came to the poison I speculate that it could be the husband even though he's dead. Also the way you described how you dealt with the house's condition upon entering and while perusing, as anyone else would, to me also helped solidify logos.
ReplyDeleteNice story. I personally would like to hear more about the old house. I liked your appeal to logos with the part about the messy bed as if someone was still living there. my guess is the killer of the husband.
ReplyDeleteThis story was overall believable and definitely strange. By the end of the story it made me question what happened to the the wife and kids and if there was any further investigation after. I agree with James though that I would have like to hear more about the old house. However, your story seems credible with you adding the component of the police recognizing the poisoned meal. Well done!
ReplyDeleteNice descriptive words! It does kinda leave people wondering who really killed the husband, but he got what he deserved even if it was normal for wives to get hit when they misbehave or something. The poisoned meal is also one mysterious thing because, you know, who is the real killer? Haha darn cliff hangers...
ReplyDeleteVery well written, and a good story! It was quite ominous, and very intriguing. But, like a lot of others had said before me, a resolution to the story would have been nice rather than just ending it.
ReplyDeleteI think this story would be more effective if something from the beginning (your exploration of the house) was linked to the end (the reasons why this house could be haunted.) Did you notice anything suggesting someone drowning in the house? Was there any other explanation for the marks by the fireplace?
ReplyDeleteGreat story! Your story had a lot of description . Especially the house. Just by your description of the house it made me wonder what was going to happen. I liked that it had some history in a sense, your grandfather told you what happened. I also like how the ending kept me wondering. Good job, great writing!
ReplyDeleteThe house being vacant since the 1940s is very creepy. Very good story. tHe simplicity of it worked in your favour-made it really believable. I liked how you didn't say that the wife murdered the husband but the cause of death was drowning. It makes the reader really wonder. I liked the plot that you chose. Seems like a true strange and unusal story that you would hear in a local area. Your story seemed to appeal to pathos because you almost feel good that the husband died becasue he was abusive to the wife. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this story and appreciated that you kept us wondering; who or what was living in that house and who the murderer could have been. I was interested the whole time and liked reading this.
ReplyDeleteThoroughly describing the event made the reader (myself) really attentive, it kept me reading. Utilizing the history of your family truly appealed to pathos, in my opinion, as well as logos. History, no matter where it might come from always fascinates me. I personally enjoyed the cliff hanger, makes me want to continue reading more.
ReplyDeleteOOO creepy! I like that you kept it a mystery through almost the entire story. It's always good to keep you reader hanging until the end. Possibly read over it one more time to catch some unseen mistakes but you did a great job, keep it up.
ReplyDeletewow what a weird story, Interesting how they never took the wife in for investigation. Also the part of the husband being abusive and the part were you talked about how it was ok to hit a wife who "miss behaves" caught my eye. When you compare the time from then and now, it totally different. If a guy was to put a hand on a women he could go to jail or something and if the guy was found dead then the wife would of been the first suspect.
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