One day while I was in line for lunch and asked my friend to hand me the honey. As he did so, he told me a story of his cousin and how he was attacked by a swarm of bees one afternoon. His cousin, Lance, was at home mowing the lawn and saw a dark cloud approaching his house. He stopped and observed the cloud but thought it was a rain crowd so he continued to do his work. A couple of minutes later he noticed a loud sound like a bunch of motorcycles racing down his street. All of a sudden, Lance was covered by millions of bees stinging him repeatedly, fighting for his life in the middle of dark obscure mob of bees. Lance could not help but to drop to the ground and protect himself. The sight was awful as if someone was digging in him with needles all over his body. Seconds later the gang of bees were gone and Lance was free, but he was minutes away from death. He laid there struggling for his life, until his mom came out and rescued him. They hurried to the nearest hospital, and on the way they saw in the rear view mirror the dark cloud was making its way somewhere else. They finally arrived, where the doctors were able to take him and save his life. Lance stayed over night to recover, but when he was released he never continued to be the same person. He became quiet and afraid going into dark places, and was known of his strange scent of honey.
No one has seen the mob of bees since then and no one has a clue of how they appeared in the first place. The thought of a horrible curse could have been placed on the small town of Oak City, Oklahoma which may have been an option. It was a peaceful town and no one would believe that it was a curse. The town has not seen any violence since the repair man crashed his car into a gas station one night driving home drunk from the bar, a month ago. Another incident were a truck transporting bees from another state had crashed and turned over on its side, letting the bees free was an alternative way of them attacking Lance. That incident has happened in California before were a truck flipped over on its side and let loose millions of bees. The cops and bee farmers were called on the scene to help control the situation, but they all were incapable of maintaining the bees’ behavior. Someone finally brought a chemical gas to spray so that the bees would be paralyzed. In spite of everything, that still would not have been the case, because there was not a report that day of a truck crashing on the highway.
My friend’s family moved weeks after the unpleasant incident, because of the thought that more events would occur on the town. They now live in Nebraska growing corn and have not run into any weird events since the first one. Lance still does not like to talk about what happened and keeps to himself more. He can not leave his house without someone making a commit about the smell of honey lingering around. Since the move the family has heard of earlier stories of bee attacks associated with small towns.
Hhmm.. that was an interesting story. I have never heard of this before, it seems more mysterious than horror, but poor Lance I can't believe because of that incident he's a total different person now. The only thing I suggest is to fix your second paragraph up because it's like your repeating the same thing over and over again, but the only difference is you only changed up the words a little bit, so it would be better if you could sum up all of those coincidence with out making it seem like your repeating the same thing over.
ReplyDeleteChristian,
ReplyDeleteThe story uses the appeal ethos backward as it did not seem like anyone but Lance's mom believed him. I sure do, and if I was stung by a dark, obscure swarm of angry bees I would surely die. I would panic and try to run away when really it is impossible to run from such a catastrophic swarm. Great piece overall, and it explains the attack well.
Your story is amazing, Christian! Like what Jennyber said, I also have never heard of this kind of story before. But you did a great job on making me believe it. Reading just the first 2 sentences of the first paragraph has already made the story seems trustworthy to me because telling a story to your friend in the lunch line is pretty normal and commons for any teenagers and a flashback of your friend (from the honey) is also more related to me because I have lots of flashback when I see or touch something. The word choices are great: "the gang of bees", "digging in him with needles"... Overall, the incidents that you put into the story, the sad emotion that you give me when Lance is in the hospital, they shaped your story up to be believable.
ReplyDeleteThat was a very different story! I have never heard of anything like that, which kept me interested in the story as I read it. I liked how you started the story in such a normal way, one friend telling another about what happened to their friend. I think your story was believable, to an extent. It seems rather unrealistic, but as I was rading the story I completely believed that what you were saying was the truth. So I think you did a very good job in this story!
ReplyDeleteYikes! I can't imagine what Lance was going through. That sounds so painful. I didn’t know that bees swarm and attack like that. Though when you used pathos to give some background story of other situations like this that happened in small towns there was credibility. My suggestion is to fix your first sentence because it says, "one day while I was in line for lunch and asked my friend to hand me the honey". It doesn't sound right. Overall your story was interesting to read, nice job!
ReplyDeleteWow, this was a well-written story. I thought that you did a good job of using the rhetorical devices. I liked your use of descriptive writing, and the language appealed to the readers. You did a great job using ethos because you showed your readers that you were a credible source, and that made it all the more believable. Also, when Lance is in the hospital, this instance appeals to the emotions, and is a good example of the use of pathos. I also liked how original your idea was--I have never heard of anything quite like this before.
ReplyDeleteSomething that made this story lose credibility was "The sight was awful as if someone was digging in him with needles all over his body," because you were hearing it from a friend, then all of a sudden you write as if you were there. I liked the simile that the bees sound like a bunch of motorcycles, that brings the credibility back up some. I also like how there's a possibility of how it happened, but I've never heard of an actual bee attack.
ReplyDeleteThat would be some scary stuff! I'm glad the kid but that sucks that he is a changed person now. I like the beginning of your story because it makes it seem more believable since it was one of your close friends telling you the story. I think the second paragraph needs a little fine tuning but a great story overall1
ReplyDeleteOuch! That must have been a life-altering experience for Lance. I liked how you told different stories about other events taking place that could be connected to Lance's own personal experience. You had some grammatical errors with some words, but I still could get a sense of what was going on. It flowed well, but I would work on transitioning better; connecting thoughts and images with the paragraphs. Enjoyed your story though!
ReplyDeleteWhat an unusual story! But it's completely believable since I had a bee attack before. I know exactly how Lance felt. I agree with Christina about transition. I was little confused while moving to the second paragraph. Overall good job!
ReplyDeleteThe strange nature of Lance's bee swarm attack and his near fatal response to it and the aftermath all are really compelling in appealing to the reader's emotion since it isn't uncommon for people to fear bees. Although many people who fear bees do so because the anticipate the sting to hurt a lot, I doubt that many people have even a comparable reason to fear bees in comparison to the bee swarm attack. The description of how rare such drastic bee attacks are in not only your friend's small town but have occurred under the radar in very populated places raises suspicion since the California incident, as you mentioned, was oddly enough not reported in area's local news. The bit about how he now faintly smells of honey seems like a really painful reminder.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks!!! I'm glad your friend is alright now, well at least healthy. Your story was very interesting and had me cringing the whold time. It definently appealed to the reader's sense of pathos and even logos because im sure most people can relate to being stung by bees. I cant help but ask if it had anything to do with him doing yard work and possibly disturbing the bee's nest. just some food for thought, but nice story.
ReplyDeleteOh wow bees, my greatest fear. I was extremely tense while reading your story because of knowing how much bee stings hurt and being swarmed in by more than one, gives me chills. It's unfortunate though that Lance isn't the same person he was because of this unfortunate event. You did a great job in catching the emotional appeal of the readers. Well done!
ReplyDeleteOUCH! THAT MUST'VE HURT! Geez that reminds me of the time when my sister's coworker was putting away her Christmas tree and when she was trying to grab an ornament, she actually grabbed a spider egg and she accidentally punctured it and all these baby spiders crawled out of it, onto her arm, to her leg and to the floor. As soon as they touched the floor they all died since they were born prematurely. EW!
ReplyDeleteI did like the story though. It sucks that that happened to Lance though.
I liked how everything is linked and that it started from you asking your friend for some honey.
What a good read! The thought of bees attacking someone is absolutely horrible! Especially considering the majority of the masses are terrified of bees. I was a little confused during the second paragraph and into the third, but i recovered and got it together! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis also might have been caused by a nest of Africanized honeybee, a type of bee bread by humans that turned out a bit too aggressive for most people's tastes! They will attack you if you are standing anywhere near their hive. Your story was presented well and explores many possibilities, which makes the argument seem more credible. Good job!
ReplyDeleteDefiantly an interesting story! You did a nice job writing it . I liked that you kept the occurrences simple yet they were still very strange. You described them very well. You also did a nice job setting up the story, it didn't just start out of no where it started with a symbol! good detail.
ReplyDeleteThe title made me really want to read your story. Your story was very interesting and unique and being that I have never heard anything like this, it makes me believe it all the more. Really liked how you opened it up. Saw one error though-it’s “comment” not “commit.” You are a talented writer and you letting the reader make up their own mind was very effective because I had no choice but to believe you!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your detail and how in depth you went while explaining the bee stings. It freaked me out and even made me cringe. This is very believable and i enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteThis certainly was a peculiar story, odd in the best way. Your introduction into the actual tale was enjoyable. I almost felt their pain, knowing how much a simple, common bee sting hurts. Your detail did that for me.
ReplyDeleteI like the detail you included, you definitely used a lot of imagery to paint the picture for your audience. I will say however it was a little random, to make a story believable you have to make the two subjects go hand in hand. I say this in the nicest way, but insects and curses don't really go hand in hand, ya know? And also watch out for the were/where situation! Other than that great job! :)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. I am in fact scared to death of bees, but I do love honey. But over all your story was very captivating and kept me on reading. Good job!
ReplyDeleteIt was definitely an interesting story. Its also very strange that out of no where bees would fly and attack him? Especially if he didn't disturb the bees. Since I have only been stung once I don't know how bad that would hurt, but i can imagine it hurt a lot. Good job.
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